Reluctantly, I’ve decided t come to terms with my paranoia of being looked at with judged eyes. It’s not so much paranoia when people are really looking at you. The saying of “Ignorance is Bliss,” is what I’ve been doing for the last couple of years and enough is enough. I am a 25, getting ready to turn 26, female who came from a small town (Palm Springs) and moved to Orange County to get away from my old life. But, I’m tired of feeling self-conscious of walking down an aisle in a classroom (or any public venue) between the desks hoping I don’t knock over someone’s book,laptop, notes etc.
I’m tired of not feeling motivated in the morning to get dressed, because I know damn well none of my clothes will fit. The jeans that can't cover my extra "roll" without giving me camel-toe, sit at my waist. This would be fine if my excess stomach didn’t disgustingly hang over the top (a WTF muffin top). So instead of jeans, I thank God that leggings are in right now because I know they won’t leave my skin irritated and chafed from being too tight.
I’m tired of having to find shirts that are flowy, so I can mask the WTF muffin top. And find a top that is long enough to cover up half of my ass because if it was left completely unsheathed someone would be forced to give it it’s own zip code.
I’m tired of avoiding to look in the mirror when I’m brushing my teeth, washing my face, or even putting on makeup. This can be a challenge, but I have to focus on the one part of face to make sure I don’t look at it as a whole. It’s all about angles. If you look at me head on, you can see the double chin forming, just there! Hanging there in mid-air, an area that should be tight, AND there it should definitely should be smooth enough to tell that there is ONE chin and there is a neck following it sometime after.
I’m tired of double thinking outfits because I can’t find a light jacket or shawl type thing to wear to cover my arms that (when rested and flattened) become their own plateau of land.
I’m tired of rethinking shorts because when I walk they creep up in the middle of my thighs because my thighs provide so much friction that the material can’t just stay where I pulled in just a few moments ago.
I’m tired of never being able to wear a bikini because it’s just not right when I think I can. So I’ve become a tankini girl. You know the bathing suit that covers your midsection so you don’t revolt everyone else and yourself when trying to jump with the waves in the ocean.
ALL OF THESE THINGS I’M TIRED OF MAY SOUND LIKE SELF-LOATHING, but it’s not. I’m realistic. I recognize that I have these irrational thoughts and fears. Anxiety then stems from it and then I’m left losing a little part of me somewhere in the obesity of my physical being. I didn’t think I was fat. I called myself curvy, and I was proud of that. But when you are walking through a department store and you happen to look over to a mirrored column and see a reflection that you (yourself) judge as a big-girl mess… And then after a longer gaze you realize that that girl is you. This immediately ends your want to shop for shoes, purses, makeup (you know any of those things that will always fit because it’s not clothing with a number), because you want to run away from that truth and conceal yourself into your own apartment where there is not strangers judging, columned mirrors, or a scale to tell you how big you actually are.
I used to turn to food, but that relationship is going on an “only need” basis. No more “just becauses.” I have decided to make myself accountable, and I turned to my friend (Connie, who happens to be a personal trainer) to take my measurements and take pictures of my progress. And with writing this blog, I hope to have recordings to remind myself why I started this “change.” And when it all seems difficult and too hard, I need to remember where I started and if I stop now, where I could end up if I don’t continue.
This is me, this is the new me in 2011.
“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.” ~Author Unknown~
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